It’s more than just me

my blog photo 2

Why won’t they notice me? Why don’t they look at my accomplishments and not at my flaws? Why don’t they understand? Do these thoughts sounds familiar?
Lately, these thoughts have been running around in my head a lot.
It is my senior year in high school. Unlike what some people may think, I have been working harder this year then my freshmen, sophomore, and junior year.
I am not at the top of my class, nor have I won any outstanding awards. My overall gpa is only slightly above average, my SAT scores are not praise worthy and I do not have any special talents. I am an average girl trying to reach the highest heights.
You might think it is because of college applications, or something school related. The main reason why I am trying so much to succeed this year is because of two people. The two people who gave me life.
I want them to be able to stand in front of their friends or relatives and say with confidence that I am their daughter. I want them to be able to do what other parents are able to do; to say that their child graduated with a white gown or that their child got accepted with a full ride to a top ranked university. I want them to know that their daughter is trying her very best to succeed, to make them happy, to make them proud. I want them to know that I am doing so much not only for myself but for them also. I want them to notice when I receive a worthy grade on a test or project and when I do something notable outside of school. I don’t want them to focus on the fact that I don’t do the dishes everyday, or that my desk is a mess, or that I don’t help out around the house as much as I can. I don’t want them to say that I am a lazy bum who cares about no one but myself. I don’t want them to say that whatever I do won’t matter because no UC will accept me. I don’t want them to say that I am doing useless things that will take me no where in life… Is that too much to ask for…?
Maybe it is…
Last year a family member of mine had decided to try to severley hurt herself. It was completely unexpected and heartbreaking. No one knew why she did it or what she was going through. Things are much better now but my parents spend most of their time caring for and worrying about this family member. I sound like a heartless selfish beast for saying this but…I also want attention too. I know that they are worried about her and that is why they always side with her and try to make her pleased but… I am here too. For the small things I do such as waking up earlier than usual every morning just to say “bye” or remembering the little details such as their favorite chocolate or songs, I am not asking for absolute praise or worship. I do not do these things because I want something. I do these things because I care and love them. Yet… they give all their attention away to someone else and I feel as though almost everything I do isn’t important enough.
As I read Othello in class, I could not help but have pity for Roderigo. He spends so much time and money for a woman who will never love him back or show him any sign of affection. I couldn’t help but see the similarities in both of our situations. He is doing everything he can to get the attention of the woman and all he really wants is some sign that tells him she notices him and give him a little hope. I do everything I can because I want them to be proud of me and happy and to show me that they notice all the things that I do.
We as humans strive to receive attention from others, whether it be from our lover, our friends, our family, or even complete strangers. When we feel as though we are not getting the attention we belive we deserve then we can become desperate for that attention which can ultimately make us face horrible consequences…just take a look at Roderigo.
Well, at least that’s how eye see it.

-vananh

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